The Enneagram plays such a special role in the connections of friendships! In today’s episode, we’re exploring the friendship experiences and habits of every enneagram type! Plus, we’re joined by my friend Kelly Welch, as we chat about our own friendship and how the Enneagram has played a role in it.
Welcome to The Enneagram Girl Podcast, hosted by Alicia Larkey, a Certified Enneagram Life Coach & Relationship Coach. If you feel overwhelmed in your relationships and want to start feeling seen, heard, validated, and hopeful, you’re in the right place. Through thoughtful exploration and explanation of your Enneagram type, you’ll become more confident in your behaviors, emotions, intentions, and reactions.
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Friendships & The Enneagram
Hi friends! I’m excited you’re here today because I’m going to be talking about one of the most requested topics women want to hear more about…the connection in FRIENDSHIPS.
I love getting the question “Which enneagram type of friend is best for me?”.
And I’ll tell you what… this answer is going to surprise you.
As a bonus, I have a special guest on the show today… my enneagram type Six bestie who has the incredible talent of being an expert Copywriter and Travel Blogger (trust me, you’ll want to hear about this!). She’s also my ride or die friend who is always down to learn, grow and make fun of ourselves.
So, if you’re ready to talk all things friendships, community, & the enneagram… let’s get started!
Friendships & Expectations by Enneagram Type
There’s a mindset shift happening of people who are losing their desire to invest time and energy in building deeper friendships. So I want to help wake you up to that.
Let’s realize that just because our friends or following number goes up, )because the world is more connected socially), it doesn’t mean the REAL, true friendships are growing and deepening. The answer to this loneliness isn’t just to collect more people. It’s to make sure we are investing in those people we already have in our lives.
The loneliness that’s creeping into our lives can be fixed by making different choices.
We are creating the loneliness. I know that’s hard to hear, but you know talking awareness and accountability is what I like to do here on the Enneagram Girl Podcast. That’s the game-changer. Becoming aware and acknowledging how you are affecting your own level of happiness is important because it’s easy to believe everything is just happening to us.
So let’s talk about that. About how to invest in the friendships that we do have, by understanding each other’s Enneagram Type better. So grab your pen and paper cause here we go!
For your Type One best friends – Your Type One friends love Words of Affirmation and Acts of Service. They’re hard-working and give a lot of effort to their people, so make sure you are being the first one to reach out to them on occasion too.
Help your Type One friends have fun and be spontaneous when you can tell there hasn’t been rest or fun for them in awhile.
Make sure to follow through on the things you tell them you are going to do with them, or for them. They have a lot of integrity, so be respectful and show up on time.
Give them grace when they need it, especially because they are super hard on themselves.
For all of you out there loving on a Type Two friend – Be generous with your quality time. That’s the fastest way to a Two’s heart. Acknowledge the efforts they make in the friendship. They love to share, give and assist, especially when it’s valued by you.
If you prefer them not to help or serve, gently let them know so they don’t waste their time doing so. Two’s can feel guilty taking up space in a friendship so remind them you want to know their needs and what’s on their heart, too.
Offer your expertise if they need help with something because they will feel uncomfortable asking for it.
It’s helpful to remind them to nurture themselves too, especially during busy seasons. Invite them on a walk to get outside and move their body, or bring them a good, nutritious meal when you know their calendar is packed.
Now let’s talk about our Three’s – Three’s are inspiring friends who are usually busy achieving goals and making it happen. Being a great friend to a three can look like reminding them they are valued for who they are and not just their performance.
These friends are going to be enthusiastic and want to know what your goals are too and be part of helping you reach your goals too.
Because they are future oriented and don’t like to ruminate on past failures, make sure to incorporate words of affirmation. Always keep the conversation moving forward towards positive and share your perspectives because your three loves communication. They are excellent in friendships and love to be in spaces with people who are working towards things. A great friend will help a three have fun too and not just be all work and no play. Helping your three achieve that balance is such a gift to them. Speaking of gifts… your threes love a little surprise gift here and there!
For those of you who have dear friends who are Four’s – You are blessed with knowing a deep soul who really enjoys authentic conversations and can hold space for you like no other.
Really be present in your time with them, validate their experiences and the depth of their emotions.
Creativity and imagination are two gifts among many that your fours tend to be blessed with. When spending time with them, tap into this area to make plans… like visiting a botanical garden, going to a concert, a girls night out painting activity or something along that line.
When buying them a gift, take your time to think of them and who they are… don’t just grab something quick off the shelf.
Know that they need some down time too, so offer to spend that quality one on one time with them just chilling and being present and going with the mood of the evening.
Onto our besties who are Fives – If you’re close friends with a 5, know that you’re very special in their life. It isn’t personal if they aren’t the first one to reach out or they need more time in between hanging out. Fives are private and value their alone time, but deeply treasure their connections to their best friends.
They don’t appreciate small talk so value quality over quantity when spending time with them. Even though they may not need as much time together, that doesn’t mean your friendship with a 5 isn’t solid and steady.
Let your five know you appreciate the wisdom they share with you and encourage them to play and laugh so they can get out of their head and enjoy the moment.
Now for our awesome Six friendships – Really listen when they talk, be patient and assure them they are safe with you and can trust you. Be authentic and straight forward with your six. Intentional quality time is a great love language for 6’s.
They also love positive affirmation, when it’s genuine, and a 6 loves hearing everything will be okay when coming from a heartfelt, authentic place.
But they don’t need you to slap a band-aid on how they feel or throw out a casual “It’s all good, don’t worry about it!”
Sometimes a 6 just needs to acknowledge intense feelings or worries they experience, even when they themselves understand it may not be logical.
Don’t try to dismiss or override your 6 friends, but instead give them space to share without judgment and hold energy on their behalf that everything will be okay.
By the way, 6s enjoy a good sense of humor, are playful and love to laugh, and want to have a good time! So remember to plan carefree, child-like adventures with your six friends, too!
Here’s what you want to know about your friendships with Sevens – Make fun plans when you spend time together… especially something new and exciting that you haven’t done before.
Sevens bring a lot of joyful energy to the friendship.
They are very social and want to be active more so than chilling out, although they really love their alone time for recharging.
If your seven is going through a hard season in life, do not push or prod them too much… And if you’re going through a hard time and want to share that with your seven, make sure to circle back around to the silver lining.
Sevens don’t enjoy being in what they consider their negative emotions – like pain or grief, etc. – so let them know you are available for a walk if they want to process through anything, and let them lead the timing on when the conversation needs to lighten up.
Sevens enjoy life and are great at reminding us to do the same!
Ready to lean more into those friendships with Eights – Eights are confident, high-energy, outspoken friends who love their independence and are passionate.
8s do enjoy debate and are comfortable with conflict, so allow them the space to share their opinions, but don’t take it personally. Share your values, too or debate back if that feels good.
Trust and straightforwardness are extremely important in this type of friendship.
As a close friend to an 8, you have an opportunity to help them let down their guard and express some of their deeper vulnerabilities and big heart.
Eights love when you bring active fun into the friendship.
Time to talk about our friendships with our Nines – These are our easy-going, go with the flow friends. They enjoy quality time that’s spent with light hearted conversations and ease.
Keep the more divisive talks to a minimum (like politics and such).
When your Nine shares their thoughts or opinions with you, really listen and be patient with them. Let them know you appreciate their input and value that connection.
Nines have such great friendship value as they respect all the different perspectives out there and can help us learn how to open our hearts and minds more too.
Nines struggle with decision-making so give them detailed options instead of general questions like “what do you want to do today?”
Cherish your Nines as they bring harmony and gentle energy into your community space.
Lookin At Your Own Friendships & Their Enneagram
I want to ask you about your own close friends in your life.
So take a moment, close your eyes – unless you’re driving! – and see who is coming to mind as I ask you the following questions:
First, who is that friend you trust to talk about the deep, private stuff going on in your life?
- Who’s that friend who always has a positive spirit and fills your soul with encouragement every time you talk to them?
- Which friend is the most fun and can get silly and always makes you laugh?
- Which friend do you turn to for counsel and advice on making a big life decision?
- Who would you want to go see a movie with or binge a TV series with?
- Who do you enjoy working out with or going for a walk with?
And of those people, who are the ones you could count on to follow thru and actually show up?
Just remember, no matter which type you are friends with, they are worth the investment. And I hope you’re friends with as many different types as possible so you can get the full benefits these wonderful relationships have to offer.
“All people end up somewhere in life, but few end up there on purpose.”
We are so comfortable finding connections through a social media screen that we are often forgetting human interaction also has value.
It’s not either or… it’s both. Intentional interactions, plus social media check ins.
Now, I’m not saying you have to see each other every week or even once a month. Maybe that’s challenging if you have kids, your job, etc.
But, being on a Facetime where you can see someone’s face and their expressions, their joy, their pain, you hear their voice and feel their laughter… it connects us all to our heart space and one another’s energy. That’s priceless.
The Impact of the Enneagram in Friendships
As my friend Kelly joins us in conversation, here’s what she has to say about the Enneagram, “
I thought it was a fun Instagram meme thing. Like a personality test kind of thing. It wasn’t until you started connecting the dots for me that I understood the depth that it actually had. It was like you could hear my inner thoughts, and actually explain them to me (LOL). That was something that made me really pay attention and understand this wasn’t just some fad thing. This was a tool for growth and internal validation or contentment.
Plus, when you started teaching me how to USE the Enneagram – like you’d connect the dots around why something caused me friction, or why my husband and I looked at a situation so differently… and related that back to our Enneagram types – that I started seeing the fullness and opportunities of the Enneagram and what it can do for people, their relationships, their friendships, all of these different areas of our lives.
I wasn’t surprised I was a six because sixes are generally “the anxious ones” and sure, that rang true.
And sure, other words were generally associated with a Type 6 as well…“responsible” “loyal” “team-oriented” “devoted” – but I wasn’t valuing those labels at the time when I first learned these traits of the Type 6. I definitely put more weight on the value of the traits that all the other types had instead. Sooo… mostly just annoyed at first. I wanted to be almost any other number.”
For every type, you have to go through your own process, and timing, to take ownership of how valuable these qualities really are, especially to the people who are blessed to have YOU in their lives.
How Enneagram Coaching Can Help
For Kelly, coaching has really helped her connect to more positive qualities about herself, whereas before, the bigness of being “the anxious one” felt all-encompassing. She’s been able to connect more to the positive qualities while also detaching more from some struggle areas.
Not only is this a much more fun way to move about my day-to-day life, both for her and the people around her, but it feels so much better. She’s getting her mental resources back to use in much more productive ways. Especially in business.
Here’s what she has to say about her productivity, “I’m learning how to put my energy in the direction of the things that I want and am working towards… vs. spending the majority of my energy on worry and overthinking, or what I now can see as a 6’s protection or safety mechanisms.
And having those resources and mental energy back, and available to use in other ways, impacts absolutely everything from enjoying our travels to being productive at work to connecting more deeply and being more present in my marriage.
We talk in the self-development world about how we might get in our own way from time to time.
And how acting in ways that don’t best support what we want is frustrating. But, we usually can’t pinpoint exactly where, why, or how that’s happening and so we have fewer tools to redirect ourselves and experience change. That’s something coaching is really, really helpful with.
I’m so much more aware of when I’m doing or saying something – or I’m in a thought spiral or mood or set of behaviors – that doesn’t ultimately serve what I want or who I want to be.
It’s the awareness IN those moments when I realize I’m overreacting (just don’t tell Jon I said that)… overthinking, feeling particularly defensive, or can’t stop thinking about something or questioning it… The awareness in that moment makes all the difference.“
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