Intimacy in any relationship is a healthy combination of conversations, emotions, and sex. What does that mean for your relationships and how can you ensure that you’re prioritizing intimacy? In today’s episode, I’m sharing about the importance of intimacy, how you can make sure that it’s a priority in your relationship, and what to do when it isn’t!
Welcome to The Enneagram Girl Podcast, hosted by Alicia Larkey, a Certified Enneagram Life Coach & Relationship Coach. If you feel overwhelmed in your relationships and want to start feeling seen, heard, validated, and hopeful, you’re in the right place. Through thoughtful exploration and explanation of your Enneagram type, you’ll become more confident in your behaviors, emotions, intentions, and reactions.
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Showing Up Intimately in Your Relationship
Does it feel like your relationship is lacking intimacy? Maybe you’re not sure what it looks like for intimacy to be present in your relationship. It could be that you’re not recognizing or acknowledging the ways your partner is being intimate, because you’re not aware of what resonates for them as intimacy.
Intimacy offers a close, warm, trusting, and personal relationship. Your partner’s way of showing intimacy with you is likely influenced by their enneagram type.
If you don’t know your or your partner’s Enneagram type, make sure you check out my typing guide!
As you work on finding intimacy in your relationship, I want to remind you that it should work for both of you, not just you. If you take accountability for you’re part of what’s missing in your relationship, it can change your marriage and every other relationship in your life.
3 Tips for Creating Deeper Intimacy in Your Relationship
- Be the initiator.
- Work on growing the friendship with your spouse.
- Date your partner
If you’re ready to customize these tips to match your Enneagram types or relationship, let’s book a session together.
We love when others take initiative, but don’t you think your partner would also appreciate that? You make the moves. You initiate the intimacy!
Starter Questions for Your Friendship Work
As you’re growing your friendship with your spouse, you need to consider getting to know them better through conversation. Here are three starter questions to help you get to know your partner better.
- Which future dream trip would you want us to take together?
- Someday when we retire, where would you like to live if we had endless money?
- What are your favorite things about us as a couple?
Intentional Dating with Your Partner
Dating means two people who engage in activities together for the purpose of advancing and sustaining their intimate connection. So if you want to advance and sustain your relationship, you have to go on dates forever. Single people are not the only ones who get to go on dates. In fact, and here’s my hot take, happily married people go on way better dates than single people. Take action, and take your partner on a date—yes YOU! Make it happen!
Enneagram Types & Intimacy
Understanding you and your partner’s Enneagram type can help you:
- Know if they’re trying to create intimacy with you right now, and maybe you’re not realizing it.
- Have a better understanding of how your partner views intimacy and what they actually want.
Let’s review what type of intimacy each Enneagram type tends to enjoy:
Enneagram 1: Ones tend to enjoy physical touch as their love language because it gets them out of their head and directly into connecting physically with their partner. Ones also might love to spend quality time when there is progress is being made or something on their to do list is being crossed off. Ones also tend to love words of affirmation because they are often pretty hard on themselves.
Enneagram 2: Twos love focused quality time because it means deeper connection. This is definitely that emotional intimacy part for them that can help lead towards the physical intimacy part for them. Two’s love surprise acts of service because they are often the ones who are generous with giving acts of service to others. Twos also love words of affirmation, especially when they’re centered around appreciation for them or acknowledgement of their helpfulness and their ability to be there for the other people in their life.
Enneagram 3: Threes appreciate acts of service because they are often busy—being helpful to them can really go a long way and making them feel loved and seen. Gifts can also be their love language, especially big gifts that are extra special, because it stands out and it makes them feel worthy of such generosity. Threes also enjoy words of affirmation, because it shows they’re more important than just their moments of success.
Enneagram 4: Fours love receiving surprise gifts, especially when it’s something one of a kind that makes them feel a deeper level of emotion or connection which can then lead to intimacy. They also tend to enjoy physical touch because they love a more intense and passionate connection with their partner. Fours love words of affirmation that confirm you love them exactly as they are unique and one of a kind.
Enneagram 5: Fives love acts of service that can help them keep their independence. Fives appreciate a thoughtful gift that is useful or it solves a problem. Fives love quality time discussing ideas or ways that they can improve their lives.
Enneagram 6: Sixes love quality time doing fun things with someone they love and trust. Sixes are known as loyalists, so an act of service for them is like proof of the bond that you to share. Sixes enjoy words of affirmation sometimes especially ones that settle their mind about something that they might be anxious about.
Enneagram 7: Sevens love gifts, especially ones that are all about experiences or having fun. Sevens love physical touch, too, especially when you use your imagination and keep things fresh and fun. Sevens enjoy acts of service that show you want to help make their life easier and more enjoyable.
Enneagram 8: Eights love physical touch from the person they trust, and that they’re in love with and that they’re passionate about. Eights love acts of service that contribute to them being able to relax and get the job done effectively. Eights love words of affirmation where you acknowledge their contribution to leading your life together.
Enneagram 9: Nines love receiving gifts that they didn’t even know they wanted. Nines also enjoy words of affirmation that validate them. Nines love physical touch, because it’s confirmation of your attraction to them.
Mentioned in this Episode:
Connect with Alicia
Review the Transcript:
Hi Friends, welcome back to the Enneagram girl podcast. Come on in, grab your favorite drink and get comfy for fun little chat on intimacy. Whether you’ve just found the love of your life or you’re celebrating your 25 year wedding anniversary, there really is no better time than the present to talk about love and relationships, intimacy, date nights, and all those good good feels. Huh, what am I forgetting, though? Oh, of course, sex. Can’t leave that out. So let’s get my cute little theme song played so we can get started. Hi, friends. Welcome to the Enneagram girl podcast. I’m your host, Alicia Larkey. On this podcast, we explore all things Enneagram, and relationships, from friendships, to dating to marriage, and parenting, and everything else in between. As a certified Enneagram, life coach and marriage coach, I’ll help you understand why and how your Enneagram type affects all the relationships in your life, and how to improve them, including the one with yourself. For full show notes and resources of each episode, head to Enneagram girl.com. Now, let’s get started.
Okay, guys, confession time, nothing gets me fired up, like scrolling through Instagram and seeing someone say that intimacy just isn’t that important in a relationship anymore? No, as Dwight Schrute would say, false. So we’re going to talk about that today. What is intimacy? Why does it actually matter? Especially in marriage? What does it look like for you? And just as importantly, what is your partner’s version of intimacy? And whose fault is it when it’s missing? Well, let me be clear, right off the bat. If you’re looking for me to say it’s your partner’s fault that intimacy is lacking in your relationship, no questions asked. Wrong. Oh, you are not going to hear that from me. And I hate to say it, but you’re probably in the wrong place. If your desire to improve intimacy first starts with blaming someone else, or looking for tips to fix your partner. If you’re looking for intimacy advice, that says something to the effect of if he doesn’t buy you flowers, or he doesn’t know your coffee order by now then just drop him. Know that is not what you’re going to find in this episode either. And frankly, it’s not good advice. I mean, sure, if your partner is in Enneagram, two, they likely know your takeout order. And if your partner is making a mixtape for an upcoming road trip, high Enneagram fours, or your partner is telling you how hot you look in your new dress, hi, Enneagram eights, that’s one of the ways that they are actually being intimate with you, and you might not even be picking up on it. There are so many ways your partner is likely showing up intimately in the relationship that you probably don’t even recognize or acknowledge. By the way, do you want to know the definition of intimately, it’s in a way that involves detailed knowledge. So that means in a way that suggests a close, warm, trusting personal relationship. Yes, sign me up for that. Your partner’s go to way of showing up intimately with you is likely influenced by their Enneagram type, or even their subtype. Just a quick side note, if you don’t know your Enneagram type, I want you to pause right here go download my typing guide, it’s on Alicia larkey.com. So you can start figuring out which type you might be. You can also go back to my first episode to learn more about each of the types or go to my website, Elisha larkey.com. You’ll find all that information in the show notes below. You’ll want to know your type because later in this episode, we will also go through what intimacy often looks like for each type. So that way, you can start to recognize the ways that your partner might be showing up intimately now that you’re not even realizing. Okay, so before that, let’s get to the most important stuff. Let’s talk about how you’re showing up not just your partner, because relationships are work that involves to people as we all know, and sometimes we can be super unaware of ourselves, and frankly, where we are lacking because it’s way easier to point the finger away from ourselves and at someone else. If you’ve been listening to me for any amount of time or past episodes, or reading my blogs, you know, I want your relationship to work for both of you, not just you. I deeply believe that if you take accountability for You’re part of what’s missing in your relationship. It can change your marriage, your parenting, and frankly, every other aspect of your life, as I often say, Let it begin with you. Okay, so now let’s jump in to some fun stuff for a minute, I want to share my top three tips for creating deeper intimacy in your relationship. And you might want to have your headphones on for the first one. Okay, so let’s take a deep breath. And here we go. Number one, Be the initiator, whether it’s initiating sex or any other physical connection with your partner. The first step is initiating. Yep, I’m coming in hot. I’m gonna go straight into this topic that I know most of you want to talk about the most. Or maybe avoid the most I see you. This is that part of intimacy that people seem to think of first, when they think of intimacy, sex, and don’t worry, I’m blushing just as much as you are. Because frankly, who knows who’s listening right now? Hey, hi, family and friends. But seriously, my passion to help you, my listeners, my friends, anyone, frankly, but especially helping your relationship or your marriage. That is a top priority in my work. And physical intimacy is one very important part of a long term, committed healthy, fulfilling marriage. So I’m willing to step outside my own comfort zone, in sharing this in such a public format, so that you will step outside your own comfort zone in receiving this information about your relationship, especially if your actual comfort zone is keeping you unhappy and unfulfilled. So number one, you need to initiate Yep. You that’s the key words, why do you the initiating itself is an act of intimacy. Take that in. Sometimes even more so than the actual physical connection. It’s like, I like you, I need you. I want you. I want to feel close to you, I see you, I love you. I want to make you feel good. I want to connect, I want you to know that I desire you that I appreciate you. And most importantly, I’d like you. It can also let your partner know that you like being with them in all the ways emotionally, socially, mentally, spiritually, and especially physically. Yes, the actual physical acts of connection with your partner are very important, from sex, to kissing, to hand holding to sitting next to one another, to looking at each other while laughing and flirting and all those other fun things that we get to experience in a healthy, great relationship. But the initiating in it of itself really is so intimate, especially to your partner. It says to them, you desire them, you want to be close to them. Most importantly, it shows that you will make the effort to let them know that you feel that way about them. Effort is the key word here. And admit it you love when your partner makes you feel wanted and liked. So why wouldn’t your partner want that same effort coming from you towards them? In a lot of relationships, there’s a person who tends to fall into the role of being the initiator more, I think all of us know this. But starting today, you can bring a little more balanced to your marriage to your relationship by starting to improve that if you tend not to be to improve that if you tend not to be the initiator in marriage, you can start that right now. Don’t even worry about what’s going to happen once you’re in the bedroom. I just want you today to just practice to try to see how it feels for you. The partner who initiates physical intimacy less to be the one who is initiating physical intimacy today, or tomorrow or this weekend. But the goal here is soon and I want you to continue creating more balance and more intention in this area. This is not a one time thing. You want to feel loved, important and connected to your partner and I guarantee your partner wants that to you will likely begin to see such an improvement in your relationship when it starts to happen consistently. But the key is no not continuing to make excuses, or keep score, you know who you are. So today, I want you to let it start with you. Your partner wants to feel desired, wanted, needed, and liked. boom period dot end of story. If you don’t even know where to begin, or how to turn intimacy into action, you can book a private session with me, we can deep dive into the areas of your specific relationship. And I can help you start building confidence and conversation around intimacy, I can help you know where to begin. You can even learn specific tips based on you and your partner’s Enneagram type, your love language and other tools that I have that will help you in this very important part of your life. You can find out more about my sessions on Alicia larkey.com. So remember this tip number one, hashtag the initiator this week, that’s your homework, that’s what you’re going to do to make it happen be the initiator. Here’s an easy example to begin with. If you don’t even know where to start, when your partner is on their way home, I want you to go brush your teeth, and as soon as they walk in, you’re gonna kiss them. Yep, take a deep breath and just kiss them. And if you’re squirming in your seat right now, just from me suggesting you go kiss your spouse? Well, you’re not alone. It is funny how many people especially women, I hear say that they rarely kiss their longtime spouse anymore. Although we love telling the story about our first kiss on our first day, we don’t talk about continuing to put in the same effort and keep kissing our partner throughout marriage. It still even shocks me sometimes how vulnerable it can make someone feel to kiss the person they’re married to. Is this resonating? For some of you raise that hand in your car as you’re driving, listening to this podcast. Now put it back on the wheel. Okay, but seriously, even as a wedding photographer, by the way, that’s my other job. I see this when I’m shooting engagement sessions, and even on wedding days to people who are getting married, directing these two people who are madly in love to go in for a kiss and hold it there. Somehow it can make them giggly and even squirmy. Sometimes they’re like, they’ll look at me like, no, like, it’s the craziest thing I’m asking. But the truth is, passionate kisses can and should continue throughout your relationship. And especially when you’re starting marriage, not just in the beginning, though, when we’re dating. Now, if you’re someone who feels like this might be a big challenge, because of how your mind can get in the way. Like there’s too much thinking going on and not enough doing. There are steps you can take to help with this. First, you know what I’m going to say? Start with Enneagram work. Go find out your type and start reading on it and understanding it. You can even book a session with me and I can go all through it with you. See if you’re in the head triad where anxiety and fear might be getting in your way of intimacy, if it’s fear, find out what you’re afraid might happen. Is it that you’re worried about bad breath? Or think you’re not a good kisser? Are you having anxiety that will turn in, it’s going to turn into more than a kiss? And frankly, you’re too tired for relations today? Well, what about tomorrow? Are you also too tired tomorrow? If so, maybe there is some other areas of your life that you need to evaluate. If you are putting this area as the least priority. If it’s getting the end of you and the end of you always feels too tired, then you need to look at the other areas of your life. Maybe it’s work, or you serving other people or your community outside the home. And maybe you need to put your marriage and intimacy as a higher priority. Now, I get that there are so many things we all have going on in our life. But there are many, many, many people who have a lot of things going on and still work on intimacy in their marriage. So I know you can too. There are things you can do and work on that will help you get out of your head and connect more with your body, your emotions when it comes to intimacy. Your instinctual subtype could also be playing a role here. I’ve mentioned these on a previous podcast. The three subtypes are self preservation, social and And one to one, I have a special podcast coming up soon, that’s going to be deep diving into these. So make sure you subscribe so that you won’t miss that one. But a really important side note that I want to add in here is that if there are deeper issues going on, like any physical intimacy blocks, because of past sexual or physical trauma, or a history with depression, or other areas like that, you do not have to go through that pain and journey alone. There are incredible experts out there who can help you begin walking towards a healing process at a pace that is right for you. So please consider reaching out to a trauma specialist, a therapist or counselor. So you can begin that important work there first, then come back to this episode, and then you’ll be ready for that.
Or if you just feel uncomfortable with the language around sex and intimacy, because maybe you haven’t had it as a priority for you, or for your partner or in your relationship, you can book a private session with me, as I mentioned, we will work through this at a pace that feels safe and comfortable for you in a completely confidential manner. Learning your Enneagram type can greatly help you in the area of intimacy. If you’re in Enneagram, six, as I mentioned, maybe it’s harder for you to get out of your head, when it’s time to get physical and get into your body. If you’re an Enneagram, eight, maybe it’s harder to get out of your body and into your heart space to connect with your partner. When you’re becoming intimate. There are a number of small road roadblocks that you could find just by learning so much more about your type and your subtype. But no matter what the most important part of tip one is just to start the intimacy journey by remember what I said, initiating with your partner, especially if it’s missing from your relationship. Today is a great day to make their heart flutter. There’s no reason to continue feeling alone or unsure or frustrated, or stuck or disappointed in this area of your life. I want you to make the choice to start improving this area of your relationship by just one step at a time. Trust me, you will benefit from this even more than your partner does in the long run. You deserve to have all the wonderful feelings that come with a healthy and thriving, intimate marriage. So don’t make yourself wait another day, I want you to make this a top priority right now. So go brush your teeth, and then go kiss your person. Okay, who is ready for tip number two? Tip number two is to work on growing the friendship with your spouse. Now I want you to hear me out. When you first met your partner, there was nothing you wanted more than to talk to them for hours, and get to know every little thing you could about them. This relationship you are in all started because of conversations, conversations that made you feel intrigued, happy, joyful, excited, interested, curious. And all those other great feelings that we have in the beginning of a relationship or the honeymoon stage of a relationship. You were eager to ask them questions or hear their answers or go places with them. Make memories oh my gosh, all the memories we get to have in marriage. Talking about the future connecting on the past you enjoyed so much that you would tell your friends everything about them after every kind of conversation. So why do we stop showing interest in who they are becoming? As we all continue to grow as we age, we learn life lessons, we gain wisdom year after year. So we’re all changing. You’re changing, your spouse is changing. We aren’t the same person we were 510 20 years ago. Well, neither is your partner. So I want you to keep asking questions. I want you to keep listening to their perspective on things. I want you to keep going to new places. I want you to Hello sevens going to new places. I want you to keep having new experiences and building new memories just like you would do with your best friend or your co worker or in the mommy playgroups or with acquaintances. Your spouse is still interesting, trust me. Maybe ask yourself if you just decided one day that they weren’t as interesting anymore. How would you feel if they felt that way about you? It’s not true about you And it’s not true about them either. So, I want you to make that same effort to grow the friendship with your spouse. But even more consistently than you have lately. I want you to invite fun conversations and questions with your partner starting today.
Oftentimes, when we’ve been in a relationship for a hot minute, our conversations can get repetitive. Or maybe you to only bring up stressful topics like the kids or bills, or work or chores, when you are spending so much alone time together, instead of flirting, you know the drill, we can end up treating each other like roommates. Well, that’s just not acceptable anymore. And it definitely interferes with the intimacy in your relationship. And am I right? Anybody resonating with this? When you see one of your friends, you’re so excited to talk to them, right? You want to know what’s going on in their lives and share the latest thing going on in yours, you care about them enough to listen well, to encourage them and to laugh together? Well, your partner deserves the same desire and the same focus from you no matter what. So I want you to treat your partner with that same level of interest, and desire for friendship, and bring more fun into your conversation style by flirting. By laughing together by talking about lighter things, and making small talk about a fun vacation idea for the future or something along those lines. Yes, I know that this can sound really challenging, especially if you guys are in a rut, I just wish I could reach through here and hug you right now. So I want to share a few starter questions for you, just in just a few moments. But no matter how long you two have been struggling in the area of conversation or friendship, it does not have to continue this way, you can begin to change things starting right now. Plus, if you invest in this person that you’re spending your life with, you will continue to benefit from that connected friendship for your entire lifetime. And very importantly, so will your children and even their children, the type of friend you are to your spouse has long lasting and far reaching effects. Show showing up for them in the same way that you do for the other people in your life is so important, no matter your Enneagram type. So this assignment is to start a fun and interesting conversation with your partner. This doesn’t mean talk about things that are going wrong, or your latest frustrations or the kids or finances or work. Remember when you used to stay up all night long talking and flirting and hanging on to every word they said. I’m not saying it has to be exactly like that. But you sure can make a better effort to be excited to engage with them. And to share fun and positive and hopeful things. You have to communicate your desire to continue getting to know who your partner is becoming, as the years are going on. This has to continue past the dating stage and the honeymoon stage and even decades into marriage. Yep, I’m talking to you guys who are 20 and 30 and 40 years into it, you will continue to grow and evolve as you age together. So it’s even more important to continue learning about them and continue showing that interest in who they are, even though you’ve known them for a long time. I’m guessing you want them to do that for you, too. So why not show this example to them. And that way you will receive this as well. Even if you’re an Enneagram five, who maybe doesn’t want to spend an hour sitting across the table, doing a couple squares with someone they’ve been married to for 20 years. Listen here making that effort to do so any way is the valuable part to your partner, especially if there are two for some of these other types you might be married to or in a long term relationship with. This is that compromise aspect that I was talking about earlier that makes such a huge difference long term? Sure you’ve heard all your partner stories and their thoughts on this and their thoughts on that. But your partner still wants to be seen and heard and valued and most importantly liked. And straight up. I’m going to call you out on this right now. You know that if Your marriage ended right now, you’d be thrown back into the dating pool. And guess what happens in the dating pool hours and hours of sitting across tables, talking and getting to know them, and having to share your history. And guess what else, possibly that couples quiz for an hour anyway. So you would be doing exactly what you’re trying to avoid right now, in your relationship, put in that energy and that effort to connect with someone you already love. But then you have to be doing it from scratch if you’re dating. So I’m calling that out today. And if you’re listening to this feeling resentful that your partner hasn’t made much effort lately, or you are used to punishing them, maybe because of that lack of effort, then you’re choosing to stay stuck. I’m not trying to be harsh here. But it is a conscious decision to harm your relationship further, instead of the conscious decision to do something positive. That creates change that could change the entire course of your relationship. So please, let me help you get unstuck with these tips and suggestions and this encouragement. What made you attracted to one another in the beginning was important? Guess what it was quality time. So your assignment for Tip number two is you are going to plan a dinner or any kind of alone time with your partner, it doesn’t have to be going out to dinner. And you’re going to ask them these three questions. Or you can make any set of three questions that you would like to make instead of these. And you’re going to ask them to bring in that connection. Okay, so here are three examples to start with. So you don’t have to worry about coming up with your own. Okay, question number one, which future dream trip? Would you love for us to take together? If we 150 $1,000 Tomorrow, and it could only be spent on travel? What’s a dream trip that you’d want to take with me? Tell me where we’d go and what we would do and why you think it would be fun for us? Okay, that’s the question example. And then I want you to sit back, and I want you to actually listen to their answer, this question was asked to them. So it’s not so much a conversation to convince them that your idea might be better. This is a way to get to know who they are. Now, this is the point of this is to see what lights them up what they get excited about. It’s a way to connect to them like you would with a new friend, there is no point to start talking about the logistics to actually make it happen or bring up any negative aspects. This is just for fun and connection. Okay, question number two, someday when we retire, where would you like to live? If we had endless money to move anywhere we wanted? What things? Would we do you there with all that free time? Okay, so this is a great question. And if you listen, well, you will get to see that your partner really does envision a long lasting life with you. That’s one of the points of this question. And it’s so intimate to talk about this future life have just the two of you together because kids will be out of the house and whatever problems you’re in right now likely will be long gone, and healing might have taken place. So listen to their vision of your marriage being in this happily ever after phase. Let’s call it. Okay, question number three. What are your favorite things about us as a couple? What words or phrases do you hope would describe our life together in 10 years from now, you’ll hear your partner talking positive things that you both bring to the table and how they have hope for continuing to grow together. Those are just a few of my favorite questions that you can never go wrong with. In fact, go back ask these questions at the start of every year. So it can help create couples goals that you can look forward to one day. I asked my own husband Matt these questions every year. And I love hearing his answers evolve. They grow our friendship, intimacy. So it’s back to that opportunity to flirt and to get to know one another better, and to show that we like each other by listening by engaging by staying present to our quality time together. So far, I’ve given you two tangible ways to show up for your relationship to create a greater intimacy foundation. I have one more tip but first, I want you to take a moment to acknowledge the commitment you’re making to show up for your relationship by even listening to this podcast today. Because on some level, you’ll realize that just because you found your soulmate your person the one it does not mean that the script for your Happily Ever After is already written, you are making the choice to live happily ever after. That doesn’t just happen. Your daily choices are adding up in your marriage or your dating relationship. You are writing the script every hour, every day, every month. And every year, things in your relationship didn’t just end up like this, you made choices, they made choices. And here you are now. But the good news is that also means you’re deciding what comes next regarding your intimacy as a couple, because you can make a better choice from here forward, your personal well being and health can be greatly affected by how your intimacy and relationship are going. So there’s so many benefits to making better choices. And as I mentioned, if you have kids, they are watching you guys, your relationship is going to impact the expectations that they’re going to have in their future marriage or relationships. Treat your wife how you would want someone to treat your daughter, treat your husband how you’d want someone to treat your son, you are making those choices. And as I often tell my Enneagram nines and my Enneagram sevens, not making a choice is still making a choice. What you do today, and tomorrow and next week is completely affecting how the future of your relationship is going to go. So I want you to get in the game right now, especially if you feel you’ve just been coasting along in the relationship or burying your head in the sand. Or if you can tell your partner is checked out. And trust me, I know you want to drag your feet on this, especially if there is struggle going on in your relationship. I know this all can be really hard to hear when we have resentments built up. But the truth is, if you want to have better intimacy in your relationship, which is I’m guessing while you’re listening today, then you have to start talking about it. And you have to start doing something about it. Because it could end up worse than it is now for a variety of reasons. One example is that I’ve coached people who are going through pain sticking divorce or, or who have recently been through painstaking divorce, their relationships ended and they feel devastated. What usually happens then is that they focus their pain on what their partner did or didn’t do. And that’s pretty normal, right? Especially in the beginning, when everything is so raw and devastating. They need compassion. But they also need to take an audit, so to speak of the relationship so that they can better understand what happened, what went wrong, and then find their breath and figure out how to get through this hard season of life. But at some point, they learn that their focus has to shift from outward to inward, it’s back to that accountability factor that we all need to have, no matter the circumstances. They have to reflect on their own actions, reactions, conflict style, and their contributions to the relationship. Even if they were small. They have to assess their own self, the choices they made, and even frankly, the choices they didn’t make. And a lot of people will start to realize maybe this is what should have happened during the marriage. Maybe things could have turned out differently, especially if you stopped some of these destructive habits in marriage early on, in those times that we felt like giving up. What if instead, they had made that effort towards one another, instead of away from one another, the very first time it happened, which basically, the end goal is to have a long, healthy, happy marriage right? When you get married, you don’t think you’re getting divorced. So you guys have to face towards the end goal, which is fixing this no matter what it is, which is living a balanced and healthy relationship. Now, I’m not at all talking about relationships where there is abuse, infidelities, or issues that might need therapy as opposed to coaching. As I mentioned before, please reach out to a professional therapist or trauma specialist or counselor and start there instead if you have those bigger things going on. But today I’m talking about relationships where people kind of just start growing apart over time. And neither one of us is looking at what’s really truly going on because we’re so in our own pain, or when resentment has started to build that It’s dangerous. When resentment has been building for a long time and is pretty dug in. That’s another time you’ve got to wake up and stop this train from crashing, especially when blame is being thrown in every direction, except at ourselves. What I wish people knew before even getting into a relationship is that we ourselves are our own greatest asset in the health and happiness of our relationship. Or putting it in a different way. We ourselves are our greatest asset in preventing our relationships from becoming unhealthy or unhappy. We’re not taught this in school or by our parents or by our friends, we have to learn this and accept it and do something about it. Like I said, before you are writing that script every day. Yes, your partner has a great effect on how your script is going to turn out. But the truth is, you are the primary writer of how your story is going to end up. Okay.
Let’s talk about one more fun way you can create deeper intimacy and your relationship. Shake it all out. If you have to, I’m going to shake it all out myself. Okay, here is tip number three, date your partner, dates with your partner are mandatory. They’re not optional. Now, before you roll your eyes at this one, I want you to hear me out. This isn’t the same, I’ll go to dinner and a movie advice. Although I do have a good Sunday Movie and lunch. The truth is dating. I want you to notice it’s a verb is something that you have to take action on. dating your partner is what continues to grow your relationship and help your marriage last for decades. So what does dating actually mean? Well, dating means two people who engage in activities together for the purpose of Advancing and Sustaining their intimate connection. I’m going to repeat that, again. According to the dictionary, dating means to people who engage in activities together for the purpose of Advancing and Sustaining their intimate connection. If you don’t want that as the goal for your relationship, I hate to say this, but what are you doing in a relationship then? Here’s our Wizard of Oz moment. Okay. There’s no magic behind the curtain. It’s an actual person making an effort. That’s what creates the Land of Oz. And all those big special colorful moments, I think I’m aging myself with this reference. So if you want to advance and sustain your relationship, you have to go on dates forever. Single people are not the only ones who get to go on dates. In fact, and here’s my hot take, happily married people go on way better dates than single people. Because we already like the person and love them and know them ultimately, and they know us better than anyone else. We know each other’s core values and what we do and don’t like, it’s way easier to go on a date with your long term partner than someone you just met. What a waste of time some of those early dates are right. So why aren’t people who are in long term marriages and relationships going on dates more often just doesn’t make sense to me. What I usually hear is, he doesn’t take me on dates anymore. So why should I make the effort or we’re too busy? We never have the time, huh? You know, I’m about to knock those excuses down. Because you’re here, you’re listening to this podcast, wondering how to create deeper intimacy with your partner. I know you don’t want to settle for those excuses anymore. You want and desire, that connection and that intimacy. So I hate to burst your bubble. But when I say Tip number three is to date your partner. I mean, you you need to date your partner. Don’t believe that this is being directed to your spouse who you might be blaming on the repeating no dates. This is for you. This is for you to hear. I know a lot of people when reading or listening to this they’re scrolling through when they’re listening to marriage advice anywhere on Instagram or whatever they’re scrolling through an article or listening to a podcast episode thinking primarily about the other person in the relationship and what they should or should not be doing. So you’re sitting there thinking, Oh, I can’t wait to show this to my partner because they should be doing this or they need to hear this or they’re the ones to blame for this. Or you’re nodding your head feeling validated taking note of all the things your partner isn’t doing right? Um, girl, you gotta go back and rewind this, you know, I’m talking to you and not your partner, it’s time for you to date your favorite person. Invest the time to remember how much fun you had dating them when you first got together. What it was like to be sitting in the dark movie theater, your arms both on the armrest and you’re just wanting him or her to grab your hands so bad or they’re just wanting you to lay your head on their shoulder. Wait a second in my aging myself again here with this reference. Do any of you go to theaters anymore? But listen, I want you to go do that right now. I will wait. Just just know, I will sit here and wait. I want you to do these things right now. There’s so much fun, and joy to truly be found in dating your person. Yes, even 25 years into it. Trust me. As I’m recording this podcast tonight. I’m 12 days away from my 25 year wedding anniversary with a love of my life. 25 years of marriage and almost 30 Together, we are living this life that I’m actually sitting here telling you to go do. I am speaking from facts. I’m speaking from wisdom and experience. This actually works. I’m telling you that this kind of rewarding and balanced and flirty, and fun and sexy. And interesting. solid marriage does exist. Take that in receive that it does exist. Stop believing people who tell you this doesn’t exist and that fairytales don’t happen anymore. They do. But guess who did the work to make that happen to sit here and say these things? I did? He did. We did. I know other couples who implement the same principles that Matt and I do in their decades long marriage to there are many of us out there who are doing these things that I’m sitting here telling you to do. From experience, this method is proven. I’m not just another single person giving dating advice to long term marriages, or telling you to settle for less what? No, hey, listen, please do not settle for less. You have one life to live, you deserve to live it to the fullest in your relationship. How you feel, as a spouse, or a partner, like I said before, affects everything in your life. So I want you to start looking at the expectations you’ve set for yourself. And frankly, raise them if you need to your future self deserves this higher level of being fulfilled and joyful and connected. But I’m not one of those people that you’re listening to these days who are telling you to discard people and throw people away. This does not mean that this isn’t if this isn’t happening in your relationship right now, then that person is not right for you. Maybe you’re not the right one. But again, I’m not blaming, I’m just asking you to instead of continuing to blame or hold resentment for whatever happened before right now, I want you to say what can I do from right now moving forward? There are plenty of times that Matt or I have gotten off track. And we have had to stop and say, Look, I’m spending the rest of my life with this person. So why wouldn’t I? Why wouldn’t I want to invest the time and make it right right now? We it’s pointless to keep holding on to the things from before right now. In no way would I suggest you discard someone, especially if those big things are not the problems there. It’s natural that sometimes we can get off track and get resentful, and tired and life gets too busy. But this is this is your little wake up call to say, like, hey, let’s wake back up to this. This is really special. And you could have it all those things you see that you feel other couples have that you don’t
listen again, it might be something you’re not doing or are doing, just take go ahead and take responsibility for it. I have to do it too. It’s hard. But man, I’m telling you, it feels good when you do and like I said, married people have way better dates than single people. They just tend to give up on making it happen for themselves for some reason. So your homework and Tip number three is to make it happen. Get out of your head and get into your heart and get into your body and tell your partner you’re going on a date. You don’t even have to wash your hair or put on makeup or go to the fanciest place. And frankly, if they say no, ask again. If they say no again, or come up with an excuse, ask again and again and again. I’m guessing if you are married right now and I said hey, do you want to stay married? You would say yes So why wouldn’t you keep asking, you are creating a habit just like working out or eating better, or getting your work done at work, you’re creating a habit for your marriage the most important thing in your entire life. So don’t give up. That’s giving up on you, too. So another easy example, just pick a new place to go for a dessert, get a seat on a patio and sit there enjoying dessert together. And fun conversation like in tip number two. And if the date goes well, you might even end up the night with the night with tip number one, and accomplish the Make It Happen trifecta. Initiating intimacy going on a great date and connecting with friendship with your partner. So to recap on how to create better intimacy before we move on to each Enneagram type and intimacy. Number one was be the initiator, you flirt first, you go in for the kiss, you reach out for their hand, you connect in a more intimate way with them. First, the initiating itself is the key. Number two was growing your friendship with your spouse by having more fun together, creating conversations asking questions that will continue helping you get to know each other and evolve, creating new memories, laughter joy, just like you would do with a friend. Number three, dating your spouse is mandatory. There is not an excuse big enough to cover not going on dates anymore. blaming them for this happening isn’t going to improve your relationship. It’s just going to keep it stuck. So make it happen. Be the date initiator. And if that’s what it takes to move the needle in your marriage, look at what you’re doing, you’re changing your future to a better, positive direction. Okay, deep breath, everyone’s shaking it out again. Okay, so for some of you, those tips may seem pretty vanilla RPG as far as intimacy goes. But without those things as a foundation for intimacy, you may be having some deeper issues going on in your relationship. Or maybe you know, you should be doing these things. But you just keep not doing them and making excuses. Or maybe this is your first time thinking about being the initiator, or taking responsibility for the intimacy lacking in your relationship. By the way, I’m super proud of you for even considering if that’s what might be going on. I know that’s really hard. It’s really hard when I know I’m the one who’s lacking. On my side, even all these years into it, it’s hard for anyone. So good job even considering this wherever you are, is wherever you are. So this is going to be your starting point today. Just pick any one of those tips and get started. As I mentioned earlier in this episode, it’s also really helpful to talk about intimacy and how your possible love language and your Enneagram type affect intimacy. Understanding you and your partner’s Enneagram type can help you number one, know if they’re trying to create intimacy with you right now, and maybe you’re not realizing it. Or number two, have a better understanding of how your partner views intimacy, and what they actually want. So again, if you don’t know both you and your partner’s types, this is a good place to maybe earmark this episode, and go learn those first then come back in here so that you can really dig in and utilize these tools and improve things both in the bedroom and outside the bedroom. So again, if you don’t know both you and your partner’s type, this is a good place to earmark this episode and go learn those first, then I want you to come back here so you can dig in and utilize all these tools to improve things both in the bedroom and outside the bedroom. So okay, now we’re going to dig into each Enneagram type and how they might show up to create or receive intimacy based on their types. Okay, ready, here we go. Type ones. ones tend to enjoy physical touch their love language because it gets them out of their head and directly into connecting physically with their partner like cuddling on the couch after everything is cleaned up and done for the day. That’s the important part can help them relax and be present, especially in intimate ways. Now I’m not saying all ones have this exact love language. I’m just going to pick a few of the love languages for each type and give you some tips in case your type. Your partner’s type relates to that as a love language, which again, the love languages are also part of the intimacy, the intimacy foundation that I’m talking about. So ones also might love to spend quality time when there is progress is being made or something on their to do list is being crossed off, they will show up more ready for physical intimacy when there is order in their environment or clean bedroom those kinds of things. Ones also tend to love words of affirmation because they are often pretty hard on themselves. So it’s healing when you affirm that they are good and loved and respected. That sets up their confidence too, which can help them relax in the bedroom. Okay, on to twos type twos love focused quality time because it means deeper connection, which is their favorite thing. Refer back to tip number two and here were asking questions and being interested in who they are, really fills up their soul. Good, uninterrupted, heartfelt conversations and relationship growing is where twos can especially shine. So this really matters to them. This is definitely that emotional intimacy part for them that can help lead towards the physical intimacy part for them. Two’s love surprise acts of service because they are often the ones who are generous with giving acts of service to others, but they can tend to be uncomfortable asking for that in return.
Trust me, I know this, I’m gonna do. This might also happen with physical intimacy too. So be sure to learn what your two really likes and desires. Twos also love words of affirmation, especially when they’re centered around appreciation for them or acknowledgement of their helpfulness and their ability to be there for the other people in their life. Okay, on to type threes. Threes appreciate acts of service because they are often busy, busy, busy. So being helpful to them can really go a long way and making them feel loved and seen. And helping them achieve that thing they are trying to achieve helps them then come back to having time for being focused on you. Gifts can also be their love language, especially big gifts that are extra special, because it stands out and it makes them feel worthy of such generosity. So I really want you to use your imagination here for how this can help when it comes to physical intimacy with some special gifts. Threes also enjoy words of affirmation, because it shows they’re more important than just their moments of success. So help a three get out of their head or out of their performance mode, and instead into their heart space. This can greatly help with intimacy being a deeper connection for threes. So type fours fours love receiving surprise gifts, especially when it’s something one of a kind that makes them feel a deeper level of emotion or connection which can then lead to intimacy. Fours also tend to enjoy physical touch because they love a more intense and passionate connection with their partner. So don’t hesitate to reach out and hold your force hand or caress their arm or on your fingers through their hair often they’ll let you know if they don’t enjoy it. And they’ll guide you to what they do enjoy. Force love words of affirmation that confirm you love them exactly as they are unique and one of a kind, even using songs to express how you feel about them or taking it old school and making them a mixtape here in ageing myself again. fives, fives love acts of service that can help them keep their independence like taking the kids out of the house for a couple of hours so that they can get some work done or chores done. These types of responsibilities can keep them in their thinking space so you’re helping them have the capacity to get through their responsibilities and then have more time for intimacy with you. Fives appreciate a thoughtful gift that is useful or it solves a problem. Not all fives love gifts of course, but you need to put time into thinking of them when you’re choosing a gift as opposed to thinking what you would like to get for them. Fives love quality time discussing ideas or ways that they can improve their lives. Just don’t spring quality time on them. You need to give them time to build up the energy so that they can bring their best to your time together. Okay, my type sixes, sixes love quality time doing fun things with someone they love and trust. That’s you. Plus, you being the initiator shows them you are just as loyal and committed to them as they are to you. Showing them you desire to spend time with them emotionally, physically and mentally goes a long way for six sixes also love acts of service because it provides security that you’re there for them that you would putting in the effort on their behalf. sixes are known as loyalists. So an act of service for them is like proof of the bond that you to share sixes enjoy words of affirmation sometimes especially ones that settle their mind about something that they might be anxious about. They have a very hard time getting out of their head and into their heart. So words of affirmation can go really far here and making them feel more peaceful and ready for that intimacy connection. All right, on to sevens, sevens, love gifts, especially ones that are all about experiences or having fun. An example of this would be a trip or a vacation, anything travel related, especially if it’s something they’ve never done before. New things new conversations excitement, that’s definitely going to help them get more in a mood for intimacy. Sevens love physical touch, too, especially when you use your imagination and keep things fresh and fun for your sevens. Sevens enjoy acts of service that show you want to help make their life easier and more enjoyable. Helping them get work done or tasks done accomplishing things that are weighing on their minds can help them open up extra time so they can spend it with you. All right type eights, eights love physical touch from the person they trust, and that they’re in love with and that they’re passionate about. This familiarity helps them tap into their vulnerability without a fear of weakness. Eights love acts of service that contribute to them being able to relax and get the job done effectively. Not all eighths need help with getting things done, but you can express to them that you would love to help so that you too can get around to your intimacy goals and time together faster. Eights love words of affirmation where you acknowledge their contribution to leading the two of you as a couple or doing a great job around the house or as a dad or as a mom with the kids nines love receiving gifts that they didn’t even know they wanted. It shows that you really understand who they are, and what matters to them. making an effort to show your nine how special they are, can really go a long way. Nines also enjoy words of affirmation that validate them, and the thoughts that they’ve shared with you. It can also help build their confidence in themselves and in your relationship. And that definitely creates a path of for intimacy. Nines love physical touch, because it’s confirmation of your attraction to them. Trust me, I’ve been married to a nine for 25 years. And it’s kind of an unspoken connection that the two of you have. So just make sure you’re making all these efforts with whatever type that you are lucky enough and blessed enough to be in a relationship with. Okay, I know that this is a lot to hear. It’s a lot to say. But I want you to make sure that you download this episode and save it and all those good things, maybe send it to a friend. So you can go back and you can take your time with each type. Because as I mentioned before, you don’t want to just know your type and read only your type. You want to know your partner’s type and read their type because that’s what you’re doing here. That’s the work you’re going to be doing. You also want to know your type because you want to be able to start having that conversation about what your needs are, especially when it comes to intimacy. In the meantime, I would love to hear what resonated most with you or with your partner, especially if you go do some of this homework. Plus, if you came up with any great ideas from these tips, I really really would love if you would share them in maybe in a comment on my Instagram community at Alicia Larkey on Instagram, or you can always email them to me or DM me. But now as you’re hearing this, you probably noticed the use of Love Languages and each of the types like physical touch quality, time gifts, acts of service and words of affirmation. I strongly believe that when you can lean into a balance of all the types the love language types, then that directly leads to a balance in your intimacy opportunities. This is because there’s not just one primary love language for every Enneagram type ones don’t only love this twos don’t only love that. There’s just not one general way to show up for each type. When it comes to intimacy. Each one of us is so uniquely made which is wonderful. This episode is about finding a good way to pick a starting point I want you to talk to your partner or pick one of these suggestions and just get started. Whatever action you decide to take next, whether it’s you start with one of my top three tips for greater intimacy, or one of the suggestions I shared under each Enneagram type. It’s that if there’s one thing you take away from today’s episode, let it be this, the little efforts you are making to let your partner know that you desire them, love them, and like them matter.
These efforts make a bigger impact than you might realize. Every time you’re intentional with surprising your partner with a dinner reservation, a movie date night, time together, or just even flirting with them, reaching out and holding their hand, you are essentially making a deposit in your partner’s love bank. And that adds up right? It all counts. These small intentional actions I 100% know for a fact can and will bridge the gap that you might be feeling in your relationship. It’s saying I care. It’s saying, I like you. It’s saying I want to feel close again. So whether you’re here looking for a lifeline to revive your marriage, or you’re just trying to enhance how things are already going. Start with whichever tip resonated with you most today and make the first move to create greater intimacy with the person you love. Like as Nike says, Just do it. Until next time, my friends thanks for listening to the Enneagram girl podcast. I’d be so thankful if you’d leave a rating and review in your favorite podcast player. And subscribe to stay updated when each new episode drops. For full show notes and resources of the episode. Head to Enneagram girl.com See you next time my friends